Half a year? More like half a lifetime!

Today is the day!  It's been six months since we drove up to that dreadful institution and got our girl out of there!  Six months.  Wow.  Seems like A LOT longer.

I've been thinking again of what I would want to share in this update.  I went back and read the last post at our three month Gotcha' anniversary and had to laugh at a few spots.  Some things haven't changed at all yet!  But others have.

Just a quick profile -- Sasha is doing well.  Many people who have more limited contact with her see some great strides in her social behavior, and I do, too.  She doesn't constantly introduce herself to cashiers.  She does insist on thanking them. every time. before they've done anything. but whatever.  

She can spend more time alone and has even attempted some creative playing.  It's so sad that a group of children thrust together in an institution still have no capacity for imaginative play.  They spend their time just passing the time.  I guess they have no world in which they care to imagine -- or hope.

She is learning English very well!  She understands almost everything spoken to her, though we are careful to try to use words that she already knows.  It's amazing how you have to think about the homonyms when teaching a child English -- to, too, two, like (can be used two ways).  Her confusions are cute.  For example, right now, she thinks that "ear" and "hear" are the same thing -- So, she'll say, "Mom, ear me?"

Some days, she is still desperate for MY attention.  It's difficult, and we struggle with this.  But, she is learning sloooooowly that she just has to find things to do.  She has a room full of toys -- and nothing to do.  But she can find a string on the ground and carry it around and play with it for hours -- and shed tears if it's taken away from her.  Yet, she doesn't hesitate to break a real toy to see what's inside or just for the sake of having something to do.  This is very common behavior for institutionalized kids -- and it's part of the learning process to teach her that certain things have value.  And it's part of OUR learning process to remember that certain things are not nearly as valuable as we once thought they were.

Mostly, we are working on her learning to react like a "big girl, " teaching her that I expect her to TELL me her problems and not throw herself on the floor screaming about things.  She is learning. 

As for me, I'm not sure that I can really relate all that these six months have been.  All that I've learned.  I've been to some of my lowest moments ever.  I've cried and yelled at God -- and at my kids and husband ... and even my mom!  Yes, I'm going to be honest with you.  Thankfully, both God AND my family are merciful and forgiving.  That's my real lesson these last three months since my last update.  Mercy.  There really is no hope of anything without mercy.  I've always been a people pleaser, but more significantly, I've always cared passionately about pleasing God.  Don't think this is a good thing.  It can lead to a lot of self-righteousness.  And when all the good that you think is in you basically falls apart . . . and you see how desperately weak you are . . .  only Mercy remains.

I continue to see the orphan in me every day.  If I can't continually forgive Sasha when she rages, or lies, or steals, or even just monopolizes my time and attention . . . then she really is never fully redeemed.  She's rescued, sure.  But she's only redeemed through our constant mercy.  And we are only redeemed through His constant mercy.  If she understands that even in her darkest hours, we are still loving her -- holding up a standard for all of her struggles to accomplish within her -- and we still love . . .  If she knows that she can be hurtful and still loved . . .  Then she will be truly ransomed.  And the same is true of me.  If I can see that I can be at my utmost shameful and immature, and really truly believe that God loves me and forgives . . . then I will be completely ransomed.

I am truly excited about the next six months!  There will be so many fun things!  School starts in a month (we have decided to enroll Sasha in school because she really wants to go and we think that is the best option for her), there will be a BIG birthday party in October, Thanksgiving, Christmas . . . and, of course, our ONE  YEAR GOTCHA ANNIVERSARY PARTY!  So much to look forward to -- so many firsts still to come.  I want to close this post by just saying again how much I admire Sasha.  She will probably be the person in my life that drives me the most crazy . . . but I will always respect her for what she's already accomplishing in her life.  And I will be thankful for what God is accomplishing in my life because of her.  I realized that for those of you only on the blog, you may not know that the EEG showed that she was having up to 100 absence seizures a day, and by getting on the new RIGHT medication, there is just absolutely nothing that will stop her from accomplishing ALL that HE has for her.  And she'll do it all, too.  She's just that determined to live her life fully!  I'm really so proud of her -- and all my kids -- for all the many ways that they continue to amaze me!

 

What a Difference Three Months Makes!

There are so many ways I've thought about starting this post.  Talk about all the changes in Sasha's life?  All the changes in our lives?  How much Sasha has learned?  How much we have learned?  The good, the bad, and the ugly?  So much to say -- so little space.  Maybe I will just list some ways that my life has changed in the last three months.

1.  Every morning, no later than 6:15 usually, I'm greeted with a very chipper, "Good Morning, Mommy!"  This while I'm still in bed and she has barged into the room.  I'm still trying to decide if I'm happy that she's the only child in our house that is that cheery in the morning or if I would prefer to just keep sleeping!

2.  For the better part of the day, I have a shadow.  A shadow that seeks constant attention.  A shadow that interrupts any other child who also needs to talk to me.  A shadow that says, "Mommy, look" about 100 times in one day and "I love you" just as many.

3. Whenever I go to the store, Sasha absolutely MUST introduce herself to the cashier, which means that I MUST then explain that she is speaking Russian . . . which then leads to a brief narrative of her story, etc.  Sometime last week, Sasha just started telling the cashier (and any other random stranger) that "I speak Russian."  Of course, she tells them that in English.  So, again, the explanation.

4.  Random things must be put away at random times.  I can be in the middle of making hamburger patties and Sasha might bring me a hair barrette that was left on a table.  When this happens about 50 times in one day, well . . . it's certainly motivation to put things where they belong!  

5.  Usually, the last thing she asks me each night is, "machina zaftra?" which means, "van tomorrow?" -- She loves going out!  She gets very disappointed if I say No to that question!

6.  When overly bored or not getting enough attention, she will pick fights.  Just pushing those little buttons that she knows will drive her brothers and sister crazy!  As I'm writing this now, a storm is brewing in the next room.  Sparks will fly!  Sasha has very little concept that her actions toward other people have consequences.  As much as she wants love, attention, and acceptance, she does not comprehend that her own actions can make that difficult sometimes.

7.  I am regularly being bossed around by a nine year old.  This, of course, isn't going to work!  She is learning phrases like "May I?" and "please" quite quickly now!!

8.  Sasha insists on a routine at night.  At first, this was frustrating -- knowing that she was just trying to prolong the agony of being forced to go to bed . . . but with a little attitude adjustment (on our part), we have learned to appreciate the things that she insists on doing -- like giving her brothers a hug and kiss!  We were certainly never delayed putting the kids to bed by THAT before! 
 
Those are just a FEW of the many ways that my life has changed.  Overall, Sasha  is doing really well.  She is learning the language quickly -- even getting confused about what is English and what is Russian.  I will be interested to see how she does talking on Skype with some other children in Ukraine right now who are being adopted.  I wonder if she will intermix her English and Russian with them.  I hope not!  I certainly don't want her to forget her Russian, but I am being careful of how often she hears it and where since she almost had a seizure when she heard it in the doctor's office a few months ago. Speaking of doctors, we have gotten her to the dentist to have 5 cavities filled (she did great so far, one more appointment to go!), the pediatrician to rid her body of parasites, and finally to the neurologist to determine the reason for her seizures.  We are waiting for test results and an MRI on that.  The neurologist seems to think that she will, ultimately, be fine!  She agrees that we should at least try to get her off the medication to see what happens.  She is now at less than half of her original dosage on the anti-seizure medication.  You may wonder why we are taking her off of the medication.  Well, you have to understand that she was put on the medication 2 years before she ever had her first seizure.  Often, children in institutions are put on medication to control their emotions.  Instead of a hug, they get a pill.

I could go on and on about the many lessons that God is teaching me in this journey.  But, they can all be summed up in the phrase, "Take up your cross daily and follow Me."  I am learning that in EVERYTHING I do, I am not my own, I am His.  And Sasha is His.  And I must be His hands and feet to her.  My time is His time.  My feelings must be His feelings.  My goals must be whatever His goals are for her!  I still absolutely covet your prayers.  I want His name to be glorified -- I want to lead ALL of my children to Christ.  I truly will have "no greater joy than to know that my children walk in truth."  Stay tuned for the six month update!

A Quick Pic Look at our Journey

My dad asked if I could come up with some sort of slide show for his work where they would be throwing him a retirement party at the end of February -- and they all wanted to hear more about our adoption journey.  This has been such an awesome experience for me to go back and see what God has done in the past 6 months!  6 MONTHS!  That's all!  We saw Sasha's picture 6 months ago -- and now, she's home.  And when I look back at where she was . . . and where she is now . . . I have so much hope and joy!  God is doing incredible things in her life.  He is sowing peace into her Spirit.  My prayer over her every night (and you can join me, if you want!) is that God would heal her body, soul, and spirit!  She has come so far.  She is truly my daughter now.

Yesterday, we were finally able to get together with Maria and her girls.  Maria is the one you will see in the video at the beginning.  She is the one who posted Sasha's picture . . . she is the reason we have Sasha now.  Anyway, she came to visit -- and, for just a bit, I thought, "What would I feel if Sasha acted like she wanted to go home with Maria?"  You may be thinking, "Huh?" -- but if I'm going to be honest, which I have throughout this blog, I would have to say that there are still some times when I think, "How do I really FEEL about Sasha?"  There's so much to do, teach, fix, clean, etc. for her -- that sometimes, I don't think about how I feel!  But, I knew that I needed to face that question.  After all, Maria DID get to know her first -- and I certainly didn't begrudge all the hugs and kisses she got yesterday from Sasha -- but, I was glad, when every once in a while, she would come back over to me and "tag home base."  And I was even more glad to know that I absolutely wanted her to do that!

I am so proud of all of Sasha's accomplishments!  She does get in her moods occasionally, but -- don't we all??  So, looking back over this journey has brought me to where I am now -- so thankful, so joyful, and so hopeful!  I just CAN NOT WAIT to see what God has planned for her!

Hope you enjoy!

One Month Later . . .

I had every intention of writing a post on the EXACT one month anniversary of our breaking Sasha out of the orphanage (Feb. 16) -- but like everything else in this past month, things don't often work out on my schedule!! 

I feel like, in so many ways, my life has gone back to what it was like when I had toddlers and young children.  Sasha has so much to learn that I seem to only have time for the absolute essentials - food, laundry, keep the house under control -- and school!  But, I'm sure you're not reading this post to hear about MY life!  I know you are curious about Sasha and how her adjustments are coming!

Well, I have to say that, for the most part, I am super proud of all that she has learned and experienced.  She said that she was "sorry" today for the first time!  I mean, in English!!  And on her own!!  I think that I have told her maybe 5 times in the past to say "I'm sorry" to somebody for something that she had done.  Today, she said it completely on her own -- I wasn't even sure that she knew what I was telling her to say on those previous times.  I just can't believe that anybody EVER gave her a "mild mental retardation" diagnosis.

It seems that from the moment she left the orphanage, her mind began to just open up.  She craves new experiences, new things to learn, new foods to eat (especially if it involves meat), and new people to hug (or even the same people to hug!).  She absolutely must be busy!  And this is another reason I feel like I've reverted back to my toddler mommy years.  I am used to my kids being able to entertain themselves -- so, sometimes, trying to keep Sasha busy is no small challenge.  Thank the Good Lord for the Amazon Kindle and all the great educational apps!

As for matters of the heart, Sasha is coming along well!  We honestly had no idea what to expect when we brought her home.  We knew we had HEARD things -- like "She will need time to just learn what it means to be in a family."  We get that now.  It means, for Sasha, that she needs to know that Mom and Dad are in charge -- and it's not going to do her any good to dig in her heels about things.  But, even with that, she's learning.  She goes to bed now without any difficulty (except on a few rare occasions).  It means that she has to learn to trust us -- that we will not hurt her physically as she has been in the past.  And it means that we have three other children whom we love -- and it's not a competition.  It also means that for all the hundreds of hugs she gives out to other people -- it's OUR hugs that will truly bring her healing.

For so long, I just wanted to get Sasha home and get the process of her healing started!  I am so glad to be at this point, but it's not always easy.  We still needs lots of prayer cover!!  There is so much hope in this house -- but, occasionally, I admit, I am a little frustrated -- and I do NOT want to give Satan any more of a stronghold in Sasha's heart than what he already has -- or in our family.  So, we needs lots of wisdom -- and overwhelming grace from God to keep on this road of bringing her to her true Home -- His HEART!!!  THANK YOU for your prayers!!!!

The Chaos That Was Ukraine

In so many ways, and on so many levels, I'd rather NOT talk about Ukraine -- but I can't let that experience in my life go by without some reflection on the significance it has had and will continue to have in my life and the life of my family.

I will not bore you with all the details.  Just a few quick notes about the second trip that I took with my dad to get Sasha and bring her home.  A brief mention of intense spiritual battles . . . "we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but with principalities and powers" --

1.  The first two days in Zap were spent traveling back and forth between two cities, trying to collect all the documents needed.  I spent $430 in taxi on just those two days

2.  When we had finally collected all the documents and were on our way to break Sasha out -- the orphanage lawyer called to say that there was a misspelled word in the court decree and she would not release "the child" until we got the judge to fix it.  Seriously? (The word was an insignificant nothing word -- not a name or anything like that!).  Halya called the judge who told her to tell the lawyer that she could face up to 3 years in prison if she didn't obey a court decree, to which she responded, "Well, fine, then hurry up, the child is waiting."  Thankfully, I was blissfully unaware of all of this until it was over. 

3.  Our passport did not arrive on Monday as we had planned, putting us a day behind in our schedule, but that was OK, because we had planned for an extra day "just in case."

4. No train tickets to Kiev on the night we needed them.  Andrew, our driver, who is one well-connected individual, managed to get some tickets that were on reserve for VIP occasions.

5.  We almost did NOT get medical clearance.  The doctor wanted to order a psychiatric evaluation of Sasha because she couldn't remember how old she was.  (Like, when was the last time she had a birthday party?).  They put her in a room with baby toys and wanted to watch her play!  Ummm . . . wouldn't that PROVE that she was mentally retarded?  They continued to insist that we wait for the psychologist (which, if we did, we would miss our visa appointment at the consulate, meaning we would not be leaving Ukraine the next morning).  I picked up the phone to call the consulate twice before they finally gave in and said they would give me the paper with a note on it that I refused the psychological evaluation.  There is so much more to that story.  It was over 3 hours into the whole ordeal before they tried to switch their story and claim that they were worried about the epilepsy on the plane, and when I said, "Fine -- but she's on medication for that" -- They were like, "Oh, she's on medication???"  THREE HOURS LATER!  I finally got the paper, got to the consulate an hour late, and got the visa.  Dad slipped out of the van at the medical clinic, so I was worried about him as I watched him walk up and down the hall trying to work out the pain in his knee and hip!

6.  We missed our plane in Chicago and had to wait 5 hours!  Sasha was on overdrive and couldn't seem to burn out.  I gave her a Benadryl -- but it didn't kick in until we got on the plane.  When we finally got on the plane, a seat was broken, so we had to wait for maintenance to come clear the plane for take-off.

7.  We finally landed in Tampa after 11:30.  Sasha was so incredibly tired by that point that she just couldn't handle the emotions of it all and had a seizure.  It was very short and not severe, and then she promptly fell back asleep on the floor of the airport.  The paramedics checked her over while she continued to sleep.  We decided not to take her to the hospital, but instead to take her home and let her sleep.  We were all in bed sometime around 2:30.

It's difficult to put into words just how spiritually difficult this journey was.  Even after getting Sasha (or perhaps, even more so, after getting her), the battle was no longer really about would Sasha be free -- but would Satan work his way into our relationship, breaking bonds before we even had a chance to really build them.  I am NO super spiritual person, trust me.  Quincy and I have been doing this whole journey scared!  I shrink at those comments on Facebook that make us appear to be some kind of spiritual giant!  Ha!  I'm not even at the point where I would say, "Oh, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything."  I certainly wouldn't trade Sasha's freedom from the orphanage for anything ... but I must be honest and say that I'm still not 100% sure I can handle it.  Well, I'm 100% sure that I can't handle it without a lot of leaning on Him.  And, even this early on, . . . I'll get a glimpse of what God is going to do, what He's already doing in her life.  She has, not once, had a meltdown over bedtime.  Her little battle of wills are getting shorter, and we are all learning what will work and what won't.  I see redemption -- for all of us.  We are still climbing a very steep mountain and we are still fighting the fear ... but, we'll just keep doing it scared, and eventually, "perfect love casts out fear."

An Orphan No More!

It's official Sasha is ours!  January 4, 2013 is a day that changed our lives forever, and I have to say, I expected to feel a little something more than I did.  Now, before you start to worry, don't.  I honestly can't explain to anybody, except perhaps to another adoptive mom who has experienced the same thing, but when the judge came back in and "officially decreed" that he would grant our application to adopt Sasha and officially change her name -- there was just this sense of . . . hmmmmm . . . how can I explain this?

OK, let's go back to the very first time I saw Sasha's picture. I felt like I had seen her face 1000 times already.  On the very first day I met Sasha and she hung on my shoulder, trembly and self-conscious, I felt like she had already been there, and I'd held her up and patted her head a hundred times before.  She just felt like mine.  So, when the judge came in and gave his little spiel, I felt like . . . hmmmmm . . . still can't quite explain it.

I mean, I KNOW that it all becoming official is very important.  It's vital, of course, that she become legally ours.  But, I guess that the whole legal thing didn't mean that much to ME because I had already become her mom a few months ago.  It was just a relief, really, that the legal process was FINALLY coming to a close and we could breathe a little easier.  But, to me, there was nothing "official" about the judge's decree.  It was "official" before the foundations of the earth when God knew she would be ours -- and "official" when God wrote her name on our hearts back in August.

So, yes, Petyk Oleksandra is now officially Oleksandra Elizabeth Wylupek.  And, for that, we are INCREDIBLY thankful!!!  This journey is just beginning . . . but I want to say how proud I am of my youngest daughter.  She shows incredible courage and determination to walk into a whole new world with people who can't even understand a word she is saying!  But, she understands our love -- and she trusts that.  That's quite a thing for a 9 year old!